Today is the most relaxing day. I had my exams on firday and then I had a job interview that was in my school. Well I thought it was a job interview, it is not until I went to the training I found out it was a volunteer position. I was upset at myself for not reading the "job" description properly. But I soon overcame. it wasn't a bad volunteer position, so I accepted it. Today is just a relaing day, taking things easy. I had a few hits and right now I'm relaxed, listening to rihanna's "Shutup and drive" over and over again, while munching on corn that my ma boiled up for this afternoon. God I can't think wat to write about. Except that I have a feeling that I A'sed my exams. This is one of my few times that I actually am happy, which is so odd because it has beem months since I have had sex, been weeks since I went out with my friends, and I mad as hell that Iraq is sliding into more than a greek tragedy. I know its not the marujuana, because I was happy in the morning too, before I masturbated and took hits. I didn't even go outside. I have stopped fighting with my mom, its been days since we have fought. Maybe its because I feel the slight freedom from my school and exams, it comes between the anxiety of the school ending and boredom comes and takes hold of me, that feeling in duration lats for a two days the most or couple of minutes. It is the most beautiful feeling in the world, it's like you are peace. That's how I feel, it is so beautiful.

This is how I feel, so calm.

This whole summer I could not find a job at all. I applied everywhere, from every crappy fast food restaurants to retail stores, probably over 50 applications given with my additional resumes, could only get three interviews, and no job at all. So I applied for my summer courses which kept me somewhat busy. I started volunteering, also kept me somewhat busy. Then I asked my dad to buy me a bike, he did, it was fun, but got bored of it easily. So I tried to lose weight, gained a lot from watching way too much Television, but I didn't lose any. I would in one week lose 2 pounds and then gain them back again in the next week. I spent a lot on my credit card, bought 2years worth of magazine subscription, that I don't have any time to read them. Nothing really interesting happen to me this week, except that I finally admitted to myself that I am a atheist, but an existentialist. I have also decided to study for my LSAT, so I can write it next year's September. I also have decided to volunteer abroad, probably like in Africa or south America. But for now I have to write an essay on Sartre and study for my upcoming exams for next week's Friday, which I have not started yet. I have given up on applying to mediocre jobs that does not give me fulfillment in my life, I'd rather volunteer and read books than work for just money, that is why I quit my old job which was in a fast food restaurant. I hated it.
I recently went to a wedding of a friend I knew from high school. It was an arranged marriage, it happened in a beautiful mosque, the bride was beautiful and the groom was smart. The bride is beautiful and brilliant. A lot of people I know are getting married, arranged and not arranged. I find it very insecure. I don't want to get married at all, but I can't help feel the pressure, I'm afraid I'll decide to get married for the sake of not being in the bandwagon and I'm only 21yrs old. The truth is I don't want to ever get married at all, but I'm not making it permanently because I tend to change every year, I'm a fickle person, but I feel I'm becoming older as my opinions and morals are becoming harder and harder. As every choice I make I understand myself more and more, like as Sartre has said in the lines of the sum of all the choice a man makes is who he is. I paraphrased his quotes, he wrote in french. The truth is that is scary too, I don't want to get old because I have not experienced even 20 percent of it because of my limitations. I guess I have to change that now, but I have yet to find a way to change my situation.