Wednesday, September 17, 2008

I was having a conversation with a girl that I knew from my past university courses. I don't really know her but I find myself bumping into her especially during my breaks and we talked several times now and she has become my acquaintance of sorts. We talk about many things. I have realized when I talk to people I am not very close to I usually fake my facial and my verbal responses, like agreeing with their opinions. I would always nod my head, my head always goes up and down in agreement even though I have no clue what the person is saying. I would fake smile or even fake laugh if the person laughs or smirks at the end of their sentence assuming it was some sort joke or vits. But for some reason in this particular conversation I have decided to not fake smile, fake agree, fake nod, or fake laugh. I just listened to her blabber about some topic and I particularly didn't agree to what she was saying at all, she would look at my face in agreement with her. I would look at her with no movement expecting her to further explain her point and there would be an awkward pause. Then she would say "what? don't you agree" as if it was common sense to agree with her, I looked at her and told her "no I don't." But the strange thing that I and she found myself doing was that I had no explanation or could care less to give an explanation of why I disagreed with her. Next time I should try to give explanation why agree or disagree. But atleast I have begun to stop pretending.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Iam incredibly bored. I just got my period and the weather just started to be bright, hot and beautiful, one of those days that is meant to go to the beach. Instead of going to the beach, I stayed inside, partly because my friends are not allowed going outside because their mommies won't let them even though they are freaking 22 years old and they have degrees and have fucking professional careers and another part is because I rely on them too much to have fun. And Iam also on my period.
This summer has not been bad, I got to go on a vacation but not with my friends, I went alone, and met a lot of wonderful people, whom I got drunk with, had fun with, and danced and visited a lot of places with. I miss them a lot. And when i was in that trip I ended up loosing about 10 pounds. When i came back home, I stopped doing a lot of things, My daily activities consisted of waking up, brushing my teeth, taking a shower and watching television. And the occasional bickering with my mother. She always annoys me about when am I going to do my LSAT, that Law school test, because she expects me to go to law school this year and that is what she has been telling everybody she knows. Even though I have always been telling her that I am going back to University to get my one credit and the Law school won't happen until I finish my degree, go vacationing in cuba, interning in Africa for an NGO and then I will consider taking the LSAT which might possibly lead me to law school. You see her english isn't good, so me explaining this to her several times is still confusing to her or she just refuses to hear this because the fiction that she has created of me being a lawyer in a year and then marrying a guy she chose possibly next year sounds much better to her so she is going to stick with it. So these are my daily activities. It isn't much and that unfortunately is causing to eat a lot and gain my old weight back.
I used to tip scales at 160 and 170lbs. My mom thinks that it is absolutely fine to be in that weight. but my doctor tells me that Iam extremely overweight. But now I am about 145lbs, which I am happy about, but Iam gaining weight again.I have started to run, I ran this year two 5Km and got two medals for it. But I have signed up for 10Km run. I have to be fit shape to run. But my will power have been bogged down by my boredom. You see when I am bored I eat. Also my laziness has appeared back and that is due to my lack of work. I can't imagine my life without school sometimes, what will I do. My plan this year is to become financially independent, so I can first afford to live on my own and create my retirement fund. I need to live on my own, it has been frustrating living with my parents and my brothers. They are not bad as they used to be, but I would like to live where i am not questioned all the time and I have the choice of relationships I can have. It has been extremely depressing living in these suburbs. My family has never lived in the suburbs, we first moved in to the mississauga suburbs when I was 16 years old and I have never been satisfied. When I chose the university near my house it was for economic reasons, I dont regret it, because I actually saved myself from paying loans and high interests. But I have no actual excuses now for not living on my own, I need to!!! And I am eyeing myself to live in Montreal because of their rent controlled apartments.

Monday, December 31, 2007

It is December 31, 2007. I have no plans to celebrate this New year's day, which has always been my case in all of my New Year's days. I have been celebate since september school year, it seems like a choice, but in reality it started out as can't get any to I won't get any. I really have no resolutions this year. But goals which I have always had, is to get out of my parent's house and start a new life. Travel the world and blah, blah, blah. My mom keeps on asking me if I'm going to law school after I graduated, that was my intention the first year, however, My grades have not made the law school standards. Oh well, that is all I have to say, and Happy New Year!!!

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Yesterday I got a call from the clinique lady for free gift bags if I buy certain products over a certain price. I am a sucker for free stuff especially make-up crap. So I went to the store also with a bag of full of my resumes, because my bank account was running outand I desperately needed a job. So I was giving out my resumes to every store I possibly can and so far I have two interviews schedueled. Then I went to the clinique counter and the lady was explaining it to me that the gifts are next week but since I was there she decided to see what my skin's state is at. She gave me the bullshit of using a claryfying solution to get rid of the dead cells on my face and she thought there were too many pimple on my face, but I explained to her that I was getting my period soon, but she thought it was unnatural to have so many. So I was pretending to listen and gree with her bullshit, and I had a feeling that she knew she was bullshitting too. So I agreed to buy a powder foundation to make her day, which came to $34. For a person with now $20 left in her bank account like me, was the stupiest thing she did so far. So I rode my bike home fast because it was hot and I was thinking about losing some weight since the summer started. Have been somewhat success at it.
Today, I was suppose to go out with my friends, but as usual sat on my ass all morning watching the view, ellen degenerous, gill deacon and finally oprah. Now I feel like going out and ride my bike and play in the swings. But it is mid afternoon at it is extremely burning hot, I hate it so I decided to write in my blog, which has been a long time. The world events aren't so good, the same old poverty, bomb blasts and finally global warming. My friend told me last night that we human beings are killing this world, and the earth is going to explode. But I had to correct her, that we aren't really destroying the world nor the earth, we are destroying our world. But thats all I can say about that. then she moved on to Iraq and she claimed Americans are the real terrorists. I personally was against this war in the first place, But I'm not a pacifist either, Saddam Hussein was a guy who committed a lot of crimes, disturbed his neighbours and has committed many UN violations that in fact can support US invading Iraq. But the problem is US was too arrogant to understand what liberation and freedom meant, when a country's only law and order falls down it becomes anarchic. I just cannot understand why the Americans could not look ahead. And that is probably why other countries did not want to go to this war. I wish the Americans stuck with one project at a time, they already had a job to rebuild a nation, which is called Afghanistan. Now in the US, I rarely hear the American Newscasters speaking about Afghanistan. That was a war that I supported and I still my country which being Canada to still be involved in. In Iraq, I don't think US should leave, however, when I saw a BBC report on the british troops leaving from Basra, which is controlled largely now by shiite militias, many people of that place were happy. And Some months ago the majority of the Iraqi parliament voted that the US military should leave too. But some of these iraqi governement officials also have been running death squads, so I really don't know where I feel about US leaving or not. I think it is noble that the americans tried to instill democracy in the middle east, but democracy especially the american democracy is not supposed to be imposed on, it is evolution. There should be law and order before democracy. Look at europe, It took them more than hundereds of years to have democracy. And I'm also sick of people asking if an islamic country can have democracy, Any country that makes religion as their main political structure cannot have democracy. For God sakes look at when the catholics ruled Europe, the popes abused their powers like any dictators, we see that sort of same behaviour in Iran where religion is corrupted because they have too much power. Its probably take a long while for Iraq to ever become a proper democracy, but that does not mean they can achieve it. There was some hope at Palestine. Well thats all I have to sat about Iraq.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Today is the most relaxing day. I had my exams on firday and then I had a job interview that was in my school. Well I thought it was a job interview, it is not until I went to the training I found out it was a volunteer position. I was upset at myself for not reading the "job" description properly. But I soon overcame. it wasn't a bad volunteer position, so I accepted it. Today is just a relaing day, taking things easy. I had a few hits and right now I'm relaxed, listening to rihanna's "Shutup and drive" over and over again, while munching on corn that my ma boiled up for this afternoon. God I can't think wat to write about. Except that I have a feeling that I A'sed my exams. This is one of my few times that I actually am happy, which is so odd because it has beem months since I have had sex, been weeks since I went out with my friends, and I mad as hell that Iraq is sliding into more than a greek tragedy. I know its not the marujuana, because I was happy in the morning too, before I masturbated and took hits. I didn't even go outside. I have stopped fighting with my mom, its been days since we have fought. Maybe its because I feel the slight freedom from my school and exams, it comes between the anxiety of the school ending and boredom comes and takes hold of me, that feeling in duration lats for a two days the most or couple of minutes. It is the most beautiful feeling in the world, it's like you are peace. That's how I feel, it is so beautiful.
This is how I feel, so calm.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

This whole summer I could not find a job at all. I applied everywhere, from every crappy fast food restaurants to retail stores, probably over 50 applications given with my additional resumes, could only get three interviews, and no job at all. So I applied for my summer courses which kept me somewhat busy. I started volunteering, also kept me somewhat busy. Then I asked my dad to buy me a bike, he did, it was fun, but got bored of it easily. So I tried to lose weight, gained a lot from watching way too much Television, but I didn't lose any. I would in one week lose 2 pounds and then gain them back again in the next week. I spent a lot on my credit card, bought 2years worth of magazine subscription, that I don't have any time to read them. Nothing really interesting happen to me this week, except that I finally admitted to myself that I am a atheist, but an existentialist. I have also decided to study for my LSAT, so I can write it next year's September. I also have decided to volunteer abroad, probably like in Africa or south America. But for now I have to write an essay on Sartre and study for my upcoming exams for next week's Friday, which I have not started yet. I have given up on applying to mediocre jobs that does not give me fulfillment in my life, I'd rather volunteer and read books than work for just money, that is why I quit my old job which was in a fast food restaurant. I hated it.
I recently went to a wedding of a friend I knew from high school. It was an arranged marriage, it happened in a beautiful mosque, the bride was beautiful and the groom was smart. The bride is beautiful and brilliant. A lot of people I know are getting married, arranged and not arranged. I find it very insecure. I don't want to get married at all, but I can't help feel the pressure, I'm afraid I'll decide to get married for the sake of not being in the bandwagon and I'm only 21yrs old. The truth is I don't want to ever get married at all, but I'm not making it permanently because I tend to change every year, I'm a fickle person, but I feel I'm becoming older as my opinions and morals are becoming harder and harder. As every choice I make I understand myself more and more, like as Sartre has said in the lines of the sum of all the choice a man makes is who he is. I paraphrased his quotes, he wrote in french. The truth is that is scary too, I don't want to get old because I have not experienced even 20 percent of it because of my limitations. I guess I have to change that now, but I have yet to find a way to change my situation.

Friday, April 13, 2007

Penguin Cafe Orchestra - Music For A Found Harmonium

I first heard this music in Napoleon Dynamite. I found the musicians for this music, its very unique and beautiful piece of music.