Wednesday, September 17, 2008

I was having a conversation with a girl that I knew from my past university courses. I don't really know her but I find myself bumping into her especially during my breaks and we talked several times now and she has become my acquaintance of sorts. We talk about many things. I have realized when I talk to people I am not very close to I usually fake my facial and my verbal responses, like agreeing with their opinions. I would always nod my head, my head always goes up and down in agreement even though I have no clue what the person is saying. I would fake smile or even fake laugh if the person laughs or smirks at the end of their sentence assuming it was some sort joke or vits. But for some reason in this particular conversation I have decided to not fake smile, fake agree, fake nod, or fake laugh. I just listened to her blabber about some topic and I particularly didn't agree to what she was saying at all, she would look at my face in agreement with her. I would look at her with no movement expecting her to further explain her point and there would be an awkward pause. Then she would say "what? don't you agree" as if it was common sense to agree with her, I looked at her and told her "no I don't." But the strange thing that I and she found myself doing was that I had no explanation or could care less to give an explanation of why I disagreed with her. Next time I should try to give explanation why agree or disagree. But atleast I have begun to stop pretending.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Iam incredibly bored. I just got my period and the weather just started to be bright, hot and beautiful, one of those days that is meant to go to the beach. Instead of going to the beach, I stayed inside, partly because my friends are not allowed going outside because their mommies won't let them even though they are freaking 22 years old and they have degrees and have fucking professional careers and another part is because I rely on them too much to have fun. And Iam also on my period.
This summer has not been bad, I got to go on a vacation but not with my friends, I went alone, and met a lot of wonderful people, whom I got drunk with, had fun with, and danced and visited a lot of places with. I miss them a lot. And when i was in that trip I ended up loosing about 10 pounds. When i came back home, I stopped doing a lot of things, My daily activities consisted of waking up, brushing my teeth, taking a shower and watching television. And the occasional bickering with my mother. She always annoys me about when am I going to do my LSAT, that Law school test, because she expects me to go to law school this year and that is what she has been telling everybody she knows. Even though I have always been telling her that I am going back to University to get my one credit and the Law school won't happen until I finish my degree, go vacationing in cuba, interning in Africa for an NGO and then I will consider taking the LSAT which might possibly lead me to law school. You see her english isn't good, so me explaining this to her several times is still confusing to her or she just refuses to hear this because the fiction that she has created of me being a lawyer in a year and then marrying a guy she chose possibly next year sounds much better to her so she is going to stick with it. So these are my daily activities. It isn't much and that unfortunately is causing to eat a lot and gain my old weight back.
I used to tip scales at 160 and 170lbs. My mom thinks that it is absolutely fine to be in that weight. but my doctor tells me that Iam extremely overweight. But now I am about 145lbs, which I am happy about, but Iam gaining weight again.I have started to run, I ran this year two 5Km and got two medals for it. But I have signed up for 10Km run. I have to be fit shape to run. But my will power have been bogged down by my boredom. You see when I am bored I eat. Also my laziness has appeared back and that is due to my lack of work. I can't imagine my life without school sometimes, what will I do. My plan this year is to become financially independent, so I can first afford to live on my own and create my retirement fund. I need to live on my own, it has been frustrating living with my parents and my brothers. They are not bad as they used to be, but I would like to live where i am not questioned all the time and I have the choice of relationships I can have. It has been extremely depressing living in these suburbs. My family has never lived in the suburbs, we first moved in to the mississauga suburbs when I was 16 years old and I have never been satisfied. When I chose the university near my house it was for economic reasons, I dont regret it, because I actually saved myself from paying loans and high interests. But I have no actual excuses now for not living on my own, I need to!!! And I am eyeing myself to live in Montreal because of their rent controlled apartments.